1 post tagged “owmyback”

Two weeks ago I injured my back. Nothing dramatic - probably just months of too much work, bad posture, and zero exercise. To date, here are the remedies I've tried and their results.

Hot Bath: Stay in tub until you start to feel too girly.

Amount of improvement: A small amount of releif. A large amount of pruning.

Vicodin Scored From A Friend: Broke pills in half to spread them out. Taken with best possible Dr. House impersonation.

Amount of improvement: Some, but temporary. Also, not good for driving. House impersonation improved somewhat.

Chiropractor: First appointment was just an interview. (What's up with that? Since when do you have to pay to be interviewed?) Second appointment involved a vibrator the size of a belt sander, some poking, and lasers. Actual lasers.

Amount of improvement: Hurt more that day. Felt a little better the next day, but much worse after 3 days.

Traditional Doctor: Took my pulse, said he felt bad for me, and sent me to a spinal expert. Also gave me a prescription for some pills that are supposed to reduce inflammation in my muscles.

Amount of improvement: None. And those pills did nothing for my House impersonation.

Spinal Expert: I went in to make an appointment in person. There was a sign that said "Please Tell Us If You Need To Lie Down." I considered it, but did opted against it. They kept me waiting for 15 minutes while the secretaries argued with each other. When they finally turned their attention to me, they said couldn't make me an appointment for two weeks.

Amount of improvement: None. Plus bonus frustration.

Neuromuscular Therapist: Poked me for an hour while we talked about our favorite television shows.

Amount of improvement: A little, but far from better.

Scotch: Single malt, 15 years or older. Used liberally, after work hours.

Amount of Improvement: Back? What back? Unfortunately, the effect is temporary. Plus it adds a headache the next day.

The winner so far? Scotch by a landslide. Also, it makes me irresistible to women.